Preschoolers 101: During the Trying Times.

Good morning members of the Southern Institute!

I hope that this Monday finds you well and well rested... okay, at least well!  I am a bit embarrassed to admit that Friday night, right after Abby went to bed, I crashed on the living room couch and did not open my eyes until after 3 a.m.  At that point I had already had 6 hours of sleep, which is about what I usually get.  And I still had a few hours to go!!!  Bliss!  I guess I needed the sleep, huh?  

Yay, for Mondays!  Another great Preschoolers 101 post by Heather is just waiting below for you to read.  I am curious... how are you liking these posts?  I'm loving them, they are just what I have been needing.  Today's may be the best yet!

Read on...

Hello again to everyone!  

Last week we talked about what you can do before the trying times.  Hopefully, that has given you some good ideas and has prevented some difficult situations from happening!  However, they will still happen, so let's get to it and talk about what to do then!

Let's first just establish that all kids will have difficult times.  We can't prevent them all.  There will be hitting, pushing, grabbing, tantrums, crying...all of that colorful stuff!  It's completely normal for children to do these things.  They're still learning how to keep their emotions in check and what is “appropriate” to do when they have strong emotions, whatever those emotions may be!  As parents, it's important for us to find the balance between giving our children the freedom to express themselves and teaching them ways to do that safely.  Our children need to express themselves, and sometimes in ways that we don't neccesarily care to see.  So what do we do?

Disclaimer: Some of these strategies might sound strange!  They're not all your typical “make the behavior stop” solutions.  However, they can be just as effective, so please read on!

• First, try to remain calm.  Keep your voice soothing and quiet.  In the classroom, when the students got loud or too active, I got softer and slower.  If i yelled above them, the noise just got louder, but if I brought my voice lower and slowed down a bit, they would have to quiet down in order to hear what I was saying.  Plus, your child wants to see you in control.  We know that our children depend on us for a lot, and one thing they depend on us for is a sense of order and control, especially when they are “out of control.”  
• If tantrums or aggression happen often, give your child a safe place to let that happen.  Make a “quiet corner” if your child needs a place to calm down,  or even a “loud corner” if your child needs a place to get that energy out.  Make it safe...put pillows there, a punching bag or pillow, something to squeeze, etc.  Rather than fighting with the inevitable surfacing of the tantrums, let them come and go in a safe place.  (This is different from, but can be used in conjunction with “sit and watch” below.)
• Give your child options for what they can do.  It's so easy to say “there's no hitting.”  What's helpful sometimes is giving another choice.  It might not be okay to hit his little sister, but maybe it's okay for your child to hit a pillow.  He can bite a chewy toy.  Even though my son is past the age of teething toys, we have one specifically for if/when he bites.  It doesn't happen often, but now he knows what he can bite.  He can kick a ball.  he can scream outside, or into a pillow.
• Try to use the word “stop” instead of “no".  Most likely, your child knows what that word means, so use it!  When you hear the word “stop”, what do you do?  “STOP!”  If he's about to hit or push, “Stop!” can be more effective than “No!”
• Give warnings...and follow through!  If your child hits once, tell him what your rules are, “We don't hit your sister”.  Then give a warning: “If it happens one more time...(fill in the blank)”.  This might be “you won't be able to play after dinner,” or “We'll have to put your cars away.”  Then, if he hits again, follow through!  This allows him to make the choice.  If he decides to hit again, you've already set up the situation, so there are no surprises.  This also allows you to feel calmer about your actions, since you've already established what will happen.  
• Instead of using “time out” try using something like “sit and watch”.  Let it be a place where your child can “sit and watch” others demonstrate how to behave more appropriately.  Your child is still taking a break from whatever it is he was doing, but in a more productive way.  This is more of a learning experience than the above mentioned “quiet” and “loud” corners.  
• Last resort... if you need to prevent someone from getting hurt, try to remove the person not tantruming.  I know that might sound a little backwards (why should the child behaving “well” have to be removed?), but it's a lot easier to ask a calm little sister who's just about to get hit to move than it is the upset child!

Once the behavior has subsided, it's still important to talk about it.  We'll touch on that next week.  In the meantime, try not to take the behaviors personally, even though that can sometimes be very hard.  So often I hear (especially from moms!) how a child specifically behaves differently around them.  That can make it seem very personal.  Remember, you are who they trust the most and so you are the fortunate one.  You get to see all of the wonderful behaviors...and the not-so-wonderful behaviors.  

Good luck...and see you next week!

Thank you, once again, Heather!  I love your reminder that our children WANT to see us in control.  I'm thinking back to the times that I have lost my temper and yelled... that must have frightened my little ones to see me out of control like that.  What a wake up call.  Talk about practicing what you preach to your children!  

Readers, have you tried any of Heather's tips with your preschooler?  

If so, what did you try, and did it work?